Halloween Advice

[ScarecrowJack]

With Halloween coming upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster or murderer, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. Just shoot it again, and again.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. And you don't know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Crystal Lake, Salem, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

[MacPhantom]

I live in Maryland, and while it's no longer strictly the "countryside", there are still some rural areas. Where I live is set in between several modern developments, but it used to be farmland know as "Alice's Pitch-In". Someday I'll tell you the story of Alice, a real Maryland witch that puts that Blair gal to shame...

[Murfreesboro]

Wonderful, ScarecrowJack!

Mac, tell us your witch story!

[NeverMore]

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I put this on my G+ stream.

[ScarecrowJack]

Thanx guys, I'm glad you liked it. I wish I could say I wrote it. Sadly, I also can't say where I got it anymore.

[iHaunt]

That's really cool idea! Thanks for posting, ScarecrowJack!

[catdog_11]

lol! solid advice.

[awesome]

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

[Kolchak]

Never be the really pretty popular girl or loud mouth jock. You'll be killed horribly. Also don't be the fat kid who jokes a lot. Comic relief always get their heads chopped off or completely cut in half. Don't be the dope smoker, because you'll be stoned and think you're seeing a really cool vision of a floating chain saw...Until it cuts off both your arms and you're tossed into a vat of boiling oil, acid or shark infested lagoon.

[MauEvig]

This is much too funny.

[halloweenjokes]

Solid advice and super funny. That for the laugh.